So within the last year I’ve realized this about myself. I can make sense of its results, but not yet why do I function in this dysfunctional way. Understanding the root of problems is the key to actually dealing with the dysfunction as opposed to merely changing one’s behavior through habit.
I don’t allow people to become close to me without them first showing they want me in their life. It’s not necessarily that I “block” people but I am not directly initiating anything for sure. There are people I can list right now I consciously would like to be closer too but I just don’t do anything about it. It’s like I put them in a room next to mine and I’m just waiting for them to knock on my door and ask to come over. If you know of me this seems weird because I’m outgoing, engaging, talkative, goofy, easy to talk to you, easy to laugh…basically I’m very “friendly”. Yeah that’s all good for making surface level friendships. I have a ton of those. I will invite people to do stuff together from time to time, yes, but that’s still fluff. The context I’m referring to is beyond fluff, icing, sauce. I’m talking about the meat of a relationship.
Even with immediate family, I do this and I have a lot of family members! But if you were to ask me who am I closest to in my family, it would be the family member that calls ME the most. I know what should be happening but often I chock it up too, “well I’m the youngest, so you guys should be showing me how its done not the other way around”. With men, the same thing. Every guy I’ve ever been involved with has went after me first, even loved me first. Like I’ve never crushed on a dude and then he started liking me. My feelings never start until after they’ve shown they like me. The fact I’m a woman makes this action appear outwardly like wisdom vs the dysfunction that it is. But if I were a man, this will be obviously problematic for me. In the past I’ve chocked it up to – “well I don’t have enough data points or opportunities to truly say this occurs”. Now, nope, it can’t be denied.
I guess you could say I’m very guarded. I have the personality to easily initiate but I unconsciously refuse to use it. I say unconsciously because sometimes I’m not literally saying in my head “No, I’m not calling you until you call me”. It’s very naturally occurring. It just happens. But why? Why am I guarded? Why am I afraid and what am I afraid of? The only thing that makes sense is that I guess I’m afraid of people not liking me. Which is weird because most people like me. I (so I’ve been told often) have an easily likable personality. Hmmm…..as a kid though I remember making friends was very awkward. I didn’t fully grasp the concept how and even why. By the time high school rolled around, it was obvious. Everybody was cliqued up and I was well…ummm not. I hated the thought of having to belong to “a group”, while also hated the thought of not belonging. And I surely wasn’t going to “do” anything to get into one. It really bothered me deeply, but somehow my actions were of – “If you want me, you will come get me”. Needless to say, I was never gotten. Bwahahaha!! I was a floater. People knew of me, people could even say we were “friends”, but there was no one I was calling or hanging out with on a regular basis. And I guess in essence, I’ve held this view to this day. Talk about connecting the dots. Wow.
So now what? The thought of initiating gives me the heebie-jeebies. It’s like Uuuuuuugh. The irony is one of my often used phrases is “The fact that you don’t want to do something should have little to no bearing on whether or not you should do it.” This “you go first” mode of operation is purely dysfunctional. How can warped and self-centered can I be?! I totally can however continue life operating this way. No hurt, harm or foul, right? Lies! Lies! Lies! This lie is what keeps us feeling safe to continue doing what we feel comfortable doing. What I am doing and feeling is not healthy. While it may not have outwardly devastating results, our principles of operation seep into all aspects of life….even our relationship and how we view Christ. It’s baffling when Christians literally lie and deceive themselves like that. There is nothing (or should NOT be nothing) comfortable about your journey with Christ. The Dude should always be telling and showing you aspects about yourself that you need to allow Him to deal with. The only way it will be comfortable if you tune Him out. I’ve done it. It’s quite easy. So ask yourself the hard question, am I tuning out God in some area right now? So with that said…let me go talk to Him about this lack of initiating crap. (long sigh)
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24
PS. (light bulb)
So with each issue in our lives we start the “lost” process over again. Day 1 & 2 – We make ourselves aware of the issue. Day 3 – we acknowledge to God its an issue, giving Him control to walk us through the process. Day 4 – we keep in check and analyze how I hearts want to constantly circumvent His process. Man…where has this revelation been all my life!